Mom and Dad go on a trip. Does this mean party time for the kids?
Well, no.
*sigh* it's time that I should finally get it out of my head. These feelings have been buzzing around inside nonstop, so that anytime someone approaches me with something I can't but judge them on everything they said, asked me to do, and then go do themselves. It sucks, and I feel like Peeta.
My dad's been pressuring me.
Whether he knows it or not, or much it is actually affecting, I doubt it.
But no matter what his situation, it sucks for me.
I admit that in all of these cases, they had been caused by my slacking off, laziness, and pure stupidity or distractidity. However...
For instance, the most general is of my saying I'm doing homework (which is 80% of the time, true) and he thinking I'm just watching tv or playing videogames.
I know he hates me doing those things, but I can't stop the rushing judgementation, that everytime he's home and not working, he's in his room, watching tv.
It gets worse when I've done the things he wanted me to do, and then more commands come- I sent an email to a guy in charge of an engineering firm, about having a job there in summer time. My dad told me to do this, one becuase he wants me to work, and two because he wants to work.
When he grew up, working was all he knew (I assume) and wants me to work as hard and be as prepared as I was. But I can feel those condescending stares he gives me through the couch as he walks down the hallway, and the tv's on.
I take breaks too! I need a rest! I wake up at 5:30 to go early morning seminary so that I can go to 4 college level classes followed by Musical practice! Do I not get an hour to sit and let my brain melt away? (which is not at all what I'm doing if anyone would take a moment to hear my explanation and to truly describe it...only Connor understands it, and not even he knows the way in which I see them...)
So I've stumbled just as I was picking up speed.
While the parents were away, I washed all the dishes, and took care of Mitchell and Katie for whatever Grandma didn't take care of (which wasn't much). Naturally as the garage door failed as I was the only one going to church, it pushed down on me to stop. To stop moving along (sorry, that's the song that's playing).
Bringing the parents home, it was great...as they totally avoided the fact that I had cleaned the kitchen. And instead, quickly found something I hadn't yet done...
It's just- I ......I hate feeling so judgemental, and, and, ANGRY...so I need some way to vent. But as I have so described, my usual ways of venting have now become the things causing the stress. So maybe I should just keep doing what's right.
Hopefully things will get better.
Between me, and a lot of things.
And people.
*sigh*
Good night.
P.S. I have noted that what I say in this blog has been confusing, hurting, even harmful to the people who read it.
All I will say is, read it at your own risk. The words written here are my thoughts, mostly uncensored. I apologize for what I said that may hurt you, but I will not take back my words in the same way that God will not take back our trials.
This has come up multiple times now, and besides taking a small portion of these words into my journal rather than my blog,
I don't plan to change. But I Am willing.
1 comment:
Yes, yes, well said (the last part). And as for your problems with your dad... He doesn't hate you at all. Nor does he dislike you. You are his son and he's proud of you in whatever you may do. You may not see it, but that is how he feels. As for you watching tv and stuff? I totally know how you are, seeing as we're best friends. You may watch or play video games, but the entire time you do, you are excercising your brain by incorporating many different forms of science, logic, and math into the darned thing. I may not truly understand what you say when you tell me exactly how much damage a certain weapon in MH3 does or the physics and rules in Halo Reach, but I do know you're using your brain a lot in that area of the media. Including tv.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: You've been there for me in the past when I need someone to talk to. As a responsibility as your brother in the church and a friend outside, I am here if you ever want to talk.
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