Rebellion

Facial Hair, check.
Deeper Voice, check.
Greater Testosterone levels, check.
Increased muscle size with little exercise, check.
Rebellion against authority......



For a while, that wasn't a check...it is now.







I won't say that I don't know what it is, because I do, I just refuse to admit it. Despite the fact that I know that what they say and do is true and right (most of the time), I can't help but be cynnical and critical towards them.

They try to do me right, and rather than me thanking them for the effort, I point out what they did wrong...



An older me wouldn't have done that.







"Seek happiness in tranquility, and avoid ambition..." Frankenstein, Mary Shelley, pg. 192.



So, you read this, and think, "Well Duh! Obviously you're taking this quote too seriously, and are throwing away everything you've worked for!"

NO I'M NOT!!!

...You don't understand - These are Victor Frankenstein's final words to Robert Walton: What he meant with this statement was that he regretted the power that he had found - He regretted having created the monster, both the physical creature, and the monster inside of himself.

He allowed himself to be blinded by ambition, so much so that he completely ignored the "Should I?" question of creation, only concerned with the "Can I?" that when the epitome of his work came to an end, he looked upon it with disgust, and horror, and fled.

The only times that Frankenstein was ever happy in the novel was when he was surrounded by Nature, or by family - They provided a sweet release from the world and all of its horrors - In their company, was the only time he smiled.







...I'm not happy.

I can say that truthfully; I'm just, not happy.

I want to be, of course. I try to find interest in my studies and it works for a time, but, it's always work. It has never been, and I fear it will never be, play. Deep in my heart, I really don't care about my grades. I don't care about my ACT score. What's hidden deep, so deep that not even I can see it sometimes, is that I just want to be happy, and whatever ignorance comes with that.



There Is a time when I'm happy - Playing Videogames. PLAYING. Sometimes, what I do in those videogames would feel like work, in fact, to even another gamer, it would be work, but, regardless, I'm happy doing it: Isn't that something worth striving for?







Ok, Rationality for a second, I should really find another source of happiness, from something more than a temporary release from the world, often involving violence, or virtual reality.

...but, for the moment, I don't yet have that.



I can only hope that by the time a career as an Aerospace Engineer rolls around, that I can find some happiness in it, or as something else.







And now I'm sad...Cause even if someone is reading, even if someone is listening, no one is hearing. No one gets what I'm going through, no one can give solace to me that I wouldn't push away immediately, indirectly or directly.

No one.

No one...



...or, is there someone...

...