Mom and Dad go on a trip. Does this mean party time for the kids?
Well, no.
*sigh* it's time that I should finally get it out of my head. These feelings have been buzzing around inside nonstop, so that anytime someone approaches me with something I can't but judge them on everything they said, asked me to do, and then go do themselves. It sucks, and I feel like Peeta.
My dad's been pressuring me.
Whether he knows it or not, or much it is actually affecting, I doubt it.
But no matter what his situation, it sucks for me.
I admit that in all of these cases, they had been caused by my slacking off, laziness, and pure stupidity or distractidity. However...
For instance, the most general is of my saying I'm doing homework (which is 80% of the time, true) and he thinking I'm just watching tv or playing videogames.
I know he hates me doing those things, but I can't stop the rushing judgementation, that everytime he's home and not working, he's in his room, watching tv.
It gets worse when I've done the things he wanted me to do, and then more commands come- I sent an email to a guy in charge of an engineering firm, about having a job there in summer time. My dad told me to do this, one becuase he wants me to work, and two because he wants to work.
When he grew up, working was all he knew (I assume) and wants me to work as hard and be as prepared as I was. But I can feel those condescending stares he gives me through the couch as he walks down the hallway, and the tv's on.
I take breaks too! I need a rest! I wake up at 5:30 to go early morning seminary so that I can go to 4 college level classes followed by Musical practice! Do I not get an hour to sit and let my brain melt away? (which is not at all what I'm doing if anyone would take a moment to hear my explanation and to truly describe it...only Connor understands it, and not even he knows the way in which I see them...)
So I've stumbled just as I was picking up speed.
While the parents were away, I washed all the dishes, and took care of Mitchell and Katie for whatever Grandma didn't take care of (which wasn't much). Naturally as the garage door failed as I was the only one going to church, it pushed down on me to stop. To stop moving along (sorry, that's the song that's playing).
Bringing the parents home, it was great...as they totally avoided the fact that I had cleaned the kitchen. And instead, quickly found something I hadn't yet done...
It's just- I ......I hate feeling so judgemental, and, and, ANGRY...so I need some way to vent. But as I have so described, my usual ways of venting have now become the things causing the stress. So maybe I should just keep doing what's right.
Hopefully things will get better.
Between me, and a lot of things.
And people.
*sigh*
Good night.
P.S. I have noted that what I say in this blog has been confusing, hurting, even harmful to the people who read it.
All I will say is, read it at your own risk. The words written here are my thoughts, mostly uncensored. I apologize for what I said that may hurt you, but I will not take back my words in the same way that God will not take back our trials.
This has come up multiple times now, and besides taking a small portion of these words into my journal rather than my blog,
I don't plan to change. But I Am willing.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
I would love to...
I would love to give you this nice long, juicy entry, and maybe I can, maybe I can't.
We have to see.
Well, it's super late at night, and there's so much to talk about, I am forgetting. Forgetting.
Yeah, that's a big part of what's going on with me right now. I keep becoming more and more afraid of forgetting things, and therefore I keep making all these new graphs and lists and goal sheets and ideas and brainstorming but...I keep changing the things that are supposed to change me.
For instance, the two journals will no longer be Serendipity or Eureka, and the journal will not be written as my name in Codex. Instead are words and phrases that make far more sense, and especially to those that come to read this blog.
The first notebook will be Wisdom, the second Understanding, the journal Enlightenment.
Read the introduction to this blog, The Twilight, if you don't understand.
Wisdom will document all the things I do and research (video games, wikipedia stuff, etc.), and kind of be my scratch paper, if you will. The idea is that all the stuff I write down will be wisdom, if I choose to use it.
Understanding is going to be my new Dialectical Journal of Everything. Most importantly will be my scriptures (writing down everything marked in my scriptures is a task for a summer), but otherwise for every free-read book and perhaps I will write dreams here too.
Enlightenment is going to be written entirely in the Codex. It will be my journal, but I will want to spare it with things pertaining to Enlightenment, so that anyone who manages to read it later will be able to see the changes in me as I realize more about myself.
The Perservation of Self is already on my planner (and I like it) and The Twilight is a fundamental name already, and makes sense to me. I'm writing in the Twilight right now.
Back to things pertaining to most of you reading.
Well, last monday was No School, I took advantage of that to write and do homework ( alot) cause I didn't do enough over the weekend. I barely did enough before Homecoming, but it was sufficient.
Homecoming.
:)
A very, very, very nice time to spend with friends, and *more importantly* Christina :)I hadn't seen her for a couple of months, and it was great to spend time with her.
When I woke up on Saturday and immediately started cleaning and getting ready for everyone, I felt that sense of feeling of being a party-planner. Personally, I think I'm pretty good at it, if only because I have an awesome house (downstairs) to host it.
She arrived first (on purpose) so I could show her around. That, and of course, she was at my house (never been to before) surrounded by my family and friends (only very slightly know) going around to places (she has never been before) and doing stuff she wasn't really accustomed to doing.
All in all, it was great ^^
The attendance to the party was decent, if it changed every hour or so. First was Christina, then Teagan (very interesting to watch this...) followed by Connor and Alysha, and eventually Hudson and two people I didn't know he was bringing -_-, followed finally by Andrew and Marie. (josey, with hudson, didn't come till dinner.)
Nearly the last ones here, Hudson and his two friends were the first to leave...
Andrew left soon too, and Connor and Alysha as well........so there were great amounts of times when it was my family, Christina, and Teagan. Naturally, Teagan had the upper hand because she could play the family card but...Christina had me.
We had a chocolate fondue thing set up, drinks, played ping pong, watched Nausicaa (which I should have chosen differently becuase of Christina's bugphobia), and the party itself was great. We had a good time :)
When I finally got Teagan to leave, Christina barely had time to get ready before Connor was here, waiting. (I was ready in two minutes, and played the piano while Christina got ready downstairs).
When she came up...Wow, she was gorgeous :) :) :)
[and my worst fears were silenced, she didn't put on excessive makeup or jewelry, in fact, only a tiny bit...I was so relieved]
Naturally, we took pictures, and you can go to facebook to find those, until I edit those photos to this blog. I put on her corsage, and her my boutinere (it's wrong, I don't care about spelling right now.) and we headed out :)
We picked up Alysha (who looked wonderful) and drove down to the Old Spaghetti Factory in Trolley Square.
I'm not sure I liked this part so much, besides being in (and eating in) the restaurant. It was a kind of long drive, and we didn't talk much, and the way in to the restaurant was 80% Utah fans, 10% homecoming kids...
As soon as we got into the waiting area, it was fun though :) We took pictures James Bond style in a chusiony chair next to a fireplace, and talked and stood and sat till Hudson and his group arrived (with Josey now, who looked stunning). We got a table and were somewhere inbetween Rowdy and Under Control, all the while having fun :) It was juuuuust right.
[ex: We asked for crayons, and doodled while we waited and after xD]
Coming out of the restaurant was even stranger, as there was this werid, weird art exhibit...*shiver*....don't remember it...
Another drive...
But arriving at the dance, was the time we had all been waiting for :)
Sadly, the Commons was disappointing. So many crowded bodies, Rap music so loud, so hoooot...we just stayed outside, chatted, and nearly played ninja :D
Me and Christina eventually started walking around the school (have no fear, we were chaperoned by Andrew and Marie ^^) and that was great, it was just like the gateway.
{This walk and talk was very important to me. I had to know whether we were actually able to continue talking and talking, or whether it was simply becuase we were getting to know each other then. Although we talked less, we did succeed, and that's a good thing.}
At random intervals (that Hudson and his group that didn't follow us was unable to catch up with) we slow-danced, took pictures, and (one of the best times of all) we simply went a little ways into the band hallway, where we could hear the music, but it was cool and open...
Me and Christina experimented with improv dancing :D :D :D it was so much fun, I can't even describe it :)
Including some more walking around the school, and a very rude scare by Connor and company, that's how our Homecoming dance was :)
Getting a ride from Kelly, we got dropped off to find Christina's car (and The Berret's house) Toilet Paper'd...hmm, I wonder who did it?
Me and my dad cleaned up while she got changed (she had a long drive at 11:15 at night...) and when we finished, I just talked to my parents about it for a while before she was dressed, then I went downstairs to help her pack. Taking her stuff out to the car, we said our goodbyes, I gave her a goodnight kiss, and she drove off, going home. 45 minutes later, I received a text that she had gotten home safely.
Well, that's as many details as I can recall...I'm way tired, and I hope you enjoyed that post...especially you, Christina ;)
Good Night.
We have to see.
Well, it's super late at night, and there's so much to talk about, I am forgetting. Forgetting.
Yeah, that's a big part of what's going on with me right now. I keep becoming more and more afraid of forgetting things, and therefore I keep making all these new graphs and lists and goal sheets and ideas and brainstorming but...I keep changing the things that are supposed to change me.
For instance, the two journals will no longer be Serendipity or Eureka, and the journal will not be written as my name in Codex. Instead are words and phrases that make far more sense, and especially to those that come to read this blog.
The first notebook will be Wisdom, the second Understanding, the journal Enlightenment.
Read the introduction to this blog, The Twilight, if you don't understand.
Wisdom will document all the things I do and research (video games, wikipedia stuff, etc.), and kind of be my scratch paper, if you will. The idea is that all the stuff I write down will be wisdom, if I choose to use it.
Understanding is going to be my new Dialectical Journal of Everything. Most importantly will be my scriptures (writing down everything marked in my scriptures is a task for a summer), but otherwise for every free-read book and perhaps I will write dreams here too.
Enlightenment is going to be written entirely in the Codex. It will be my journal, but I will want to spare it with things pertaining to Enlightenment, so that anyone who manages to read it later will be able to see the changes in me as I realize more about myself.
The Perservation of Self is already on my planner (and I like it) and The Twilight is a fundamental name already, and makes sense to me. I'm writing in the Twilight right now.
Back to things pertaining to most of you reading.
Well, last monday was No School, I took advantage of that to write and do homework ( alot) cause I didn't do enough over the weekend. I barely did enough before Homecoming, but it was sufficient.
Homecoming.
:)
A very, very, very nice time to spend with friends, and *more importantly* Christina :)I hadn't seen her for a couple of months, and it was great to spend time with her.
When I woke up on Saturday and immediately started cleaning and getting ready for everyone, I felt that sense of feeling of being a party-planner. Personally, I think I'm pretty good at it, if only because I have an awesome house (downstairs) to host it.
She arrived first (on purpose) so I could show her around. That, and of course, she was at my house (never been to before) surrounded by my family and friends (only very slightly know) going around to places (she has never been before) and doing stuff she wasn't really accustomed to doing.
All in all, it was great ^^
The attendance to the party was decent, if it changed every hour or so. First was Christina, then Teagan (very interesting to watch this...) followed by Connor and Alysha, and eventually Hudson and two people I didn't know he was bringing -_-, followed finally by Andrew and Marie. (josey, with hudson, didn't come till dinner.)
Nearly the last ones here, Hudson and his two friends were the first to leave...
Andrew left soon too, and Connor and Alysha as well........so there were great amounts of times when it was my family, Christina, and Teagan. Naturally, Teagan had the upper hand because she could play the family card but...Christina had me.
We had a chocolate fondue thing set up, drinks, played ping pong, watched Nausicaa (which I should have chosen differently becuase of Christina's bugphobia), and the party itself was great. We had a good time :)
When I finally got Teagan to leave, Christina barely had time to get ready before Connor was here, waiting. (I was ready in two minutes, and played the piano while Christina got ready downstairs).
When she came up...Wow, she was gorgeous :) :) :)
[and my worst fears were silenced, she didn't put on excessive makeup or jewelry, in fact, only a tiny bit...I was so relieved]
Naturally, we took pictures, and you can go to facebook to find those, until I edit those photos to this blog. I put on her corsage, and her my boutinere (it's wrong, I don't care about spelling right now.) and we headed out :)
We picked up Alysha (who looked wonderful) and drove down to the Old Spaghetti Factory in Trolley Square.
I'm not sure I liked this part so much, besides being in (and eating in) the restaurant. It was a kind of long drive, and we didn't talk much, and the way in to the restaurant was 80% Utah fans, 10% homecoming kids...
As soon as we got into the waiting area, it was fun though :) We took pictures James Bond style in a chusiony chair next to a fireplace, and talked and stood and sat till Hudson and his group arrived (with Josey now, who looked stunning). We got a table and were somewhere inbetween Rowdy and Under Control, all the while having fun :) It was juuuuust right.
[ex: We asked for crayons, and doodled while we waited and after xD]
Coming out of the restaurant was even stranger, as there was this werid, weird art exhibit...*shiver*....don't remember it...
Another drive...
But arriving at the dance, was the time we had all been waiting for :)
Sadly, the Commons was disappointing. So many crowded bodies, Rap music so loud, so hoooot...we just stayed outside, chatted, and nearly played ninja :D
Me and Christina eventually started walking around the school (have no fear, we were chaperoned by Andrew and Marie ^^) and that was great, it was just like the gateway.
{This walk and talk was very important to me. I had to know whether we were actually able to continue talking and talking, or whether it was simply becuase we were getting to know each other then. Although we talked less, we did succeed, and that's a good thing.}
At random intervals (that Hudson and his group that didn't follow us was unable to catch up with) we slow-danced, took pictures, and (one of the best times of all) we simply went a little ways into the band hallway, where we could hear the music, but it was cool and open...
Me and Christina experimented with improv dancing :D :D :D it was so much fun, I can't even describe it :)
Including some more walking around the school, and a very rude scare by Connor and company, that's how our Homecoming dance was :)
Getting a ride from Kelly, we got dropped off to find Christina's car (and The Berret's house) Toilet Paper'd...hmm, I wonder who did it?
Me and my dad cleaned up while she got changed (she had a long drive at 11:15 at night...) and when we finished, I just talked to my parents about it for a while before she was dressed, then I went downstairs to help her pack. Taking her stuff out to the car, we said our goodbyes, I gave her a goodnight kiss, and she drove off, going home. 45 minutes later, I received a text that she had gotten home safely.
Well, that's as many details as I can recall...I'm way tired, and I hope you enjoyed that post...especially you, Christina ;)
Good Night.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day Weekend
I'm taking advantage of the fact that I don't have school today (monday) to write right now. Normally, expect the regular update to come on sunday.
So, remind me to go Barnes and Noble and get two new journals, as well as a really nice notepad. I finally got to the end of the journal that I have had since 2003, as well as I would like a new notepad for my stuffs alongside my new planner.
The title for the dream journal will be Serendipity. Serendipity is a propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated. The plain journal's name will be my name spelled in the Codex, with an inscription using the Cypher inside. The notepad's name will be Eureka. Eureka is an exclamation used as an interjection to celebrate a discovery. The planner's name will be The Preservation of Self. Preservation is a synonnym to record, and self as in to keep myself in order, on track.
This is fun :)
So, I've already asked Christina to homecoming, just making sure you know. I'm afraid I don't have the text that I sent her (alongside my call) when I asked her, but know that I told her about my dream, and used that to ask her to the dance. It was creative with what I could do, at least in my opininon.
But I'm tired, good night.
So, remind me to go Barnes and Noble and get two new journals, as well as a really nice notepad. I finally got to the end of the journal that I have had since 2003, as well as I would like a new notepad for my stuffs alongside my new planner.
The title for the dream journal will be Serendipity. Serendipity is a propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated. The plain journal's name will be my name spelled in the Codex, with an inscription using the Cypher inside. The notepad's name will be Eureka. Eureka is an exclamation used as an interjection to celebrate a discovery. The planner's name will be The Preservation of Self. Preservation is a synonnym to record, and self as in to keep myself in order, on track.
This is fun :)
So, I've already asked Christina to homecoming, just making sure you know. I'm afraid I don't have the text that I sent her (alongside my call) when I asked her, but know that I told her about my dream, and used that to ask her to the dance. It was creative with what I could do, at least in my opininon.
But I'm tired, good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)